“I feel almost paralyzed with worry — there are so many bad things happening in the world right now. What if something bad happens in my life next? I wish I felt more calm and confident in my life. Any advice?”
Oh, how my heart goes out to you. When worry creeps into our lives, it can feel almost impossible to root it out. In both my years as a therapist and my work now as a coach, I have helped people struggling with some variation on the question: what if something bad happens?
What if he doesn’t say yes when I ask him out on a date? What if my partner doesn’t hear my request for change as a longing for connection, and instead responds with defensiveness? What if my teenager makes a big mistake in their lives? What if we can’t figure out how to share custody of our kids when we separate? What if I don’t get this promotion? What if I’m not enough? What if it doesn’t work out?
These questions are fueled by anxiety, fear, and a sense of self-doubt and they’re centered around the most important areas of our lives: relationships, careers, parenting, self-worth. Fear primes our brain for hypervigilance, over-indexing on negative information, and showing us evidence that things indeed are not working out. But living our lives and making decisions from the parts of us ruled by fear or scarcity limits our creativity, robs us of the power of connection, and drains our confidence. So, instead of asking yourself “what if it doesn’t work out?” … ask yourself “what good is here?”
Ask yourself “what if it does work out?”
Ask yourself “how will I respond from my best Self no matter what happens?”
Put the positive, hopeful energy into the universe. Focus your thoughts on the aftermath of your best case scenario. Train your brain to balance preparedness with optimism, on responding instead of reacting. IFS is a helpful tool here, too — the 8 C words of Self-Leadership are like the compass pointing you to wisdom: calm, compassion, curiosity, creativity, connection, confidence, clarity, and courage.
We’re here to help. Please don’t worry alone anymore. Whether you’re seeking help from a licensed therapist or a trained coach, we’re ready to support you.
This post was written by Dr. Emily Racic, an experienced personal development and relationship coach, and the owner of Capital Crescent Collective in Bethesda, MD.