“OK, I read your last post about boundaries. I have learned about what boundaries are, and I even have some ideas of which ones I want to put in place in my relationships. But starting the conversation feels difficult. How do I make sure the conversation goes well? Is there a way to set boundaries that won’t upset the other person?“
You aren’t alone with that feeling. It can be very intense when someone is upset, especially when we care about the relationship and want it to continue. While it is easy to be discouraged or fear that nothing will change, with a little planning and courage, you can set things in a different direction. Having the boundary conversation can help.
To start, it is important to remember that we cannot control the reactions of other people. No matter how you word things or set the conversation up, the other person might get upset or react strongly. What we can control are our expectations and how we respond to their reaction. We can set a goal to manage our own responses well and to not internalize their reaction. People react for many reasons that are not about whether we said things in just the right way. When we continue to be there for others as we would want them to be for us (especially when we have strong feelings), sometimes their overall response can turn out quite different than their immediate reaction. So let’s take a look at what is within our power to do:
1. Start from a place of empathy and connection. Remember that you’re talking to the person who shares the problem with you, and it affects them too. Naming what you know about how they feel or what they need can set the tone for a conversation filled with care. It shows that your boundaries are not an attack.
2. Name a shared goal. When given a moment to think, it is rare that someone would not want a relationship to improve, and there is likely something that both of you would easily agree to working toward. Pointing out the ways that your needs align can make it more inviting to think together on how to be a team.
3. Invite them to be a part of the process. Who said you have to come up with all the ideas and boundaries on your own? It is usually easier for people to stick to plans they have helped build together, and treating someone like a teammate often encourages them to act like one. Actively giving them space to ask questions, understand you better, explain their point of view, and come up with boundary ideas can build more connection and let you both feel more heard and respected.
4. Plan to practice. It would be very cool if humans could have one conversation about a boundary and then put it into place perfectly afterward. Unfortunately, humans are creatures of habit, and it is more likely that both of you will accidentally go back to the way things were at first. Boundary-setting conversations can be thought of as the set up, and the real change happens as you notice and remind each other of what you want to change in real time, knowing that old habits die hard. Having a plan for how you will remind each other and knowing that those reminders are expressions of care is what makes those moments connecting instead of disconnecting. The more you practice and remind each other, the sooner you will have your new habit together!
Communication skills like empathizing, sharing goals, problem solving, and giving feedback are things anyone can learn to do! They can also be difficult to put in place if you have not had practice or support, uncomfortable emotions or memories have built up between you, or parts of your situation set you up for dysregulation. When you and your loved ones do not want to take this on alone, individual or family therapy can be a safe space to practice these skills and troubleshoot barriers that are in your way so that you can feel connected and confident in having difficult conversations. Whenever you are ready, we are here to help!
PS. One of our favorite books about boundary setting is “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It has a companion workbook, too!
This post was written by Anna White, an experienced, neurodiversity-affirming independent family therapist at Capital Crescent Collective in Bethesda, MD.