“I’ve been having a really hard time with my family. I’ve been seeing online more and more people talking about going no contact with family. How do I know if estrangement is the right way to deal with family conflict?”
First, this is such a heavy decision to be dealing with. I’m sure it can’t be easy to find yourself in a place where you’re imagining going no contact with your family. Therapy can absolutely be a helpful space to navigate these decisions.
There’s a lot of misunderstanding about estrangement, so part of our work together can include clearing up your questions about what estrangement is or isn’t. Here, I’ll share four of the most common myths about estrangement I hear in my practice.
4 Myths & Realities about Estrangement
Myth 1: People become estranged from their families because they simply don’t like them.
Reality: No contact isn’t because you had one fight or someone was annoying at Thanksgiving. There has often been a repeated pattern of harmful behavior. By the time you reach out to a therapist to consider estrangement, you may have experienced painful things like childhood neglect or abuse that hasn’t been resolved, key parts of your identity that your family does not accept (like queerness, religion, choice of partner), family members being derogatory towards your partner, or [insert your own awful experience here]. If this is you, the pain of these experiences deserves a place to be held and processed.
Myth 2: Cutting off from your family solves all your problems.
Reality: You are actually choosing a different set of problems (which might carry trade offs) when you decide to go no contact. For example, physical distance is one thing (not seeing them or speaking to them), emotional distance is another (thinking about them, remembering them). Going no contact might mean you might lose material support such as childcare or financial help and navigating life events like graduations, weddings, or funerals can be tricky dilemmas. Also, your family may have a really negative reaction which can be hard to deal with if you have often found yourself in the people pleaser role. In short, there will still be difficulties.
Myth 3: Estrangement is one size fits all; going no contact is a complete cut off.
Reality: Nope, you have options. You can take distance for a specific amount of time, you can go low contact, or decide what the right level of contact or communication is with your family. For example, some people might decide that instead of going to visit with their in-laws every weekend, they will only go once a month. Or you might decide that you’ll stay on the family group text, but not answer your mom’s phone call. You get to define your boundaries and where your lines are.
Myth 4: Therapist encourage clients to cut off from their families.
Reality: Not the therapists at Capital Crescent Collective! Here, therapists help you navigate a decision that you are coming to on your own. As a therapist, it’s never my job to tell you what to do or to tell you my opinion about what you end up doing (or not doing). It is my job to help you explore what different options can look like; to see if there’s a way to communicate your needs and boundaries more assertively to your family and see how they respond; to find a way to explain to your family the consequences of not changing their behavior.
As your therapist I’m here for you every step of the way regardless of the decision you come to. If you’d like support as you navigate estrangement, I’d be honored to work with you. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and learn more about what going no contact with family might mean for you.
This post was written by Kaitlin Doyle, an experienced independent therapist at Capital Crescent Collective in Bethesda, MD.