“My partner and I have been fighting a lot lately. I feel like there’s something going on between us and there’s no intimacy, physical or emotional. But we’ve been together almost ten years. There are some things that really challenge me about my partner, but I really don’t want to leave. Is there a way to change us?”
This is a common situation – more common than you may think. You are not alone. Many couples are not experiencing satisfaction or intimacy, but choose to remain in a relationship where the cost may be higher than the benefit. This happens for many reasons: sometimes because of the kids, unsupported or unacknowledged neurodivergent patterns, or because of codependency. Sometimes outside factors like money and affordability, legal hassles, and even visas for international couples make the idea of leaving seem too challenging even when you’re not really happy in your relationship.
In these situations, you may hope that coming to therapy will fix your partner, but what you may find is that therapy can instead offer you a path to acceptance and changing patterns. It is helpful to ask yourself if you are willing to make space for the challenging parts of your partner, and if you are willing to maneuver some things and change the dance of communication.
For many couples, this looks like:
Accepting what IS. This means coming to terms with the things about your partner that will not change and owning what is – or, what was. This can bring up feelings of sadness, guilt, or even shame, when couples realize that they have missed opportunities for connection and intimacy over the years. Many couples can use support here, because most of us can imagine grieving a relationship that has been lost, but we may not feel we know how to grieve a relationship that we are still in.
Taking responsibility. Apologizing to a partner and explaining what was happening for you back then when things were unhealthy.
Acceptance of a different way of going forward. This is when you come to see clearly that yes, this is what we did, and we are not going to fight to change each other anymore. We are reimagining what our relationship will look like, and we are also imagining the dangers it will entail (and maybe choosing to leave). Accept the mistakes that were made in the relationship. This means making peace with parts of our partner that are challenging, but also with things that we didn’t do.
This acceptance is not passive, it often includes taking action. For example, deescalating and coming from a place of understanding more; not looking for a reason to fight or have tension; acknowledging their partner’s point of view and where they are coming from. For many couples it also includes some external changes like going out more, taking care of ourselves more and becoming more attractive to our partners, and having more fun.
When couples bravely choose acceptance in this process, I can tell. There is more dyadic communication in our sessions where a couple is talking to one another more without my support. They have the tools to figure things out by themselves. In the end, acceptance has to do with less dependency on therapy, and whether the path of acceptance leads you to stay or leave, it can open a turning point—one that invites clarity, softens defensiveness, strengthens emotional safety, and allows both partners to move forward with greater honesty, intention, and compassion.
If you are seeking more acceptance and less denial in your relationship, we hope you decide to work with a therapist for support. Request a consultation for marriage counseling, relationship coaching, or individual therapy. Support from through virtual sessions or in person meetings in Bethesda, MD can help.
This post was written by Ioanna Galani, an experienced, independent marriage and family therapist at Capital Crescent Collective in Bethesda, MD.