As I make plans for the holidays, I am feeling anxious about conflicts that might happen. There are family members that I do want to spend time with, and part of me is excited. But when we disagree or butt heads, the conversations can get intense. How can I have a more peaceful time?
We hear you! Even with family members you love and enjoy, no two people will agree on everything. During holidays, conversations can escalate more often given the pressure placed on these days, the departure from usual routines and coping strategies that ground us, reduced breaks to decompress and miss each other, and memories of past holiday conflicts. No family can set things up to guarantee a conflict won’t happen, but here are four communication skills you can use to increase the peace:
Choose your words thoughtfully. Phrasing makes a big difference in how our message is received. Even swapping simple words can take a statement from confrontational to connecting. Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements can reduce defensiveness and invite more openness to your experience. Remembering not to say “but” when you mean “and” allows both of your perspectives to coexist. Even swapping a “why” question for a “what” or “how” question lets others think more specifically and practically while showing that your question is not rhetorical, it’s genuine curiosity.
Express curiosity. Too often we get so focused on making our own selves heard that we forget about the experience of others. We may be sure that we know what they are thinking or why they are acting a certain way, so we stop asking questions or listening for more. Being curious out loud helps in three ways. It shifts us into a more collaborative mindset. It makes space to clear miscommunications when we are not as psychic as we thought. It even prompts the other person to be more intentional in how they are listening and sharing themselves. Rather than continuing the usual debate that ends the usual way, stopping to ask, “What did my words sound like to you?”, “What are you wishing I would remember more right now?”, or “What effect are you hoping to have when you say that?”, can create an opportunity for the conversation to go in a new direction.
Share more directly about your goals and needs. When conversations speed up and intensify, it is quite easy for everyone, including us, to lose sight of our point. By the time we are debating back and forth, it is common to be caught in the weeds and focusing on who dropped that dish two years ago or which word that other person used, when much of that is a distraction or tangent from what we actually want out of the conversation. To find your real point, consider what you want to be true when you are finished talking or name the dynamic you feel stuck in, even if you think it is obvious. Switching to more direct sharing with statements like “I want to feel closer to you and more on the same page” or “I’m feeling stuck because I cannot let people talk to me that way and, at the same time, I do want to work things out” cuts through the distractions and refocuses both you and others toward a possible shared goal.
Invite teamwork. We know it’s possible you are starting out feeling disconnected or even against each other. For change to happen, someone has to invite that change, even when it is scary. Very often, when we treat someone like a collaborator, they start acting like one. Being valued for our opinion and invited to problem-solve together shifts the atmosphere to one of trust and confidence. For the other person, who may feel just as disconnected as you do, it opens up the possibility that they could make things better. (It’s not uncommon for humans to want to do just that, given the chance.) Don’t worry. That does not mean giving in to their side or giving up your own needs. It means bringing them in on the work of doing things differently. Asking, “What do you think would work to slow this conversation down so we can hear each other?” or suggesting, “I bet you have ideas too for how we can make this work for us both” could get their gears turning so that you do not have to do all the work yourself.
Preparing for holidays with families can be overwhelming, and using communication skills like these takes practice and care. You and your family deserve support in finding the words that express your truth, building your confidence to share them, and overcoming emotional barriers in your way. In individual, family, or couple therapy, you do not have to be alone in this growth. If you would like more information on how we can support you and your family both in and out of the holiday season, contact us here!
This post was written by Anna White, an experienced, neurodiversity-affirming independent family therapist at Capital Crescent Collective in Bethesda, MD.