Why do the problems in my family keep coming back? For as long as I can remember, my family members and I have been having the same argument and bothering each other the same ways. We have tried to work on it and have had countless conversations about how to avoid it happening again. When the problem returns, I feel like I’m back at square one and wonder if they even care at all.
It is frustrating to think you have solved a problem, only for the pattern to repeat later. That might be your partner excitedly overplanning your calendar and emptying your battery, your in-laws needing space to cool down while you need to talk it out, your child’s energy overwhelming your senses, you name it! You talk together about what would help you both, you try to do things differently for a bit, and then the same dynamic shows right back up in a new scenario down the road. If you find friction with a loved one is on repeat, you are not alone.
But there is good news! Repeating patterns do not mean your family relationship is doomed. It does not mean you or the other person doesn’t care or isn’t trying. It does not mean you can’t be in relationship with each other. The catch? This pattern won’t go away on its own, either. This pattern of friction might be a part of who you are together, *and* you can still work together so it does not get in the way of feeling close and loved.
So why won’t the situation change? Problems and conflicts in a relationship don’t just come from one source. You are in good company if you have felt friction with family members as a:
- Developmental stage. Some disconnects and conflicts are a part of your family or relationship’s life cycle and will return every so often as long as that stage is active. When your teen is finding their own identity they likely will pull away from you. When you first move in with a partner it only makes sense to feel put upon as you navigate sharing space. These conflicts repeat because they help you to grow together.
- Situational stressor. Some problems repeat because other important factors have not changed. Maybe you want to spend more quality time with your sibling (and they even agree), but a stressful job or unpredictable medical condition gets in the way. As long as that is the case, you might not be able to make the changes you want to in exactly the way you want to, but creativity and compromise can still help you care for each other.
- Natural part of the relationship. These are the conflicts you will likely keep with you for the life of the relationship. No two people fit exactly together in every way, and these disconnects are simply the result of your unique personalities coming together. Because many of our traits are fairly stable over time, the ways your personalities connect and disconnect will have consistency too. Sometimes couple and family therapists will call these “gridlocked issues”. However, just because this friction is a natural part of the relationship does not mean the distress you feel from it is forever.
Once we accept that lack of caring or trying is not at the root of every returning problem, we get to see each other in a more compassionate light and experiment with new strategies for staying close and connected. Together you might practice:
- Accepting that this is a part of the people you love. People are a package deal, and there is no person out there who will align perfectly with you all the time. Loving another whole person means the parts of them that do not align with you too. (Don’t worry, you can still not like something in a given moment.) If those parts of them were gone, they wouldn’t still be that same person you love! After all, our strengths and weaknesses are most often synonyms of each other, just in different contexts.
- Consider what the problem points out for your relationship. When it becomes more difficult to live together with our differences or when repeated conflicts flare up, it can be a signal that something else is out of balance or draining us. If you have had less sleep, have an overpacked schedule, have difficult memories coming up, or are worrying about resources, of course it is harder to follow through on commitments to each other and handle differences with compassion. Changing the question from “don’t you care?” to “are we okay?” can create more opportunity for both connection and change.
- Building perspective over time. Each time this problem returns is an opportunity to learn and to use what you have previously built. Sometimes this means that you get back on the same page faster with practice. You might remember what communication strategies worked before and no longer have to start from scratch. You may also have learned things about this conflict’s journey that ground you, like that last time it did not end your relationship or end your connection. Rather than aiming to not have the conflict again, you might aim to have the conflict more skillfully.
- Notice that the good in your relationship keeps coming back too. Even when a conflict or disconnect is on repeat, it is not the only thing in the relationship. The things you love about each other and the ways you connect can continually return as well, especially as you invite them to. Those good moments are just as inevitable as friction in a relationship and can sometimes even be expressions of the same traits in a different way. Taking notice of that repeat good together can help keep us from getting overwhelmed by what is difficult.
Returning conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, and the distress they create can be cared for. Teamwork in practicing acceptance of one other, considering needs and imbalances, building perspective, and noticing the good can help you to take these difficulties in stride and allow creativity in making your relationship even better. It isn’t always easy though. When stress and conflict has worn you down, you deserve support in building these skills and reconnecting, and we are here to help. Contact us today to learn more about how individual, couple, and family therapy can support your relationships.
This post was written by Anna White, an experienced, neurodiversity-affirming independent family therapist at Capital Crescent Collective in Bethesda, MD.